High School Reunions

Mindy has a question about why high school reunions really even exist anymore.   what the hells the point in having a hs reunion these days with facebook? should i even bother going to mine? i sorta feel like i know too much about these people already. 

Answer: I'm kind of in agreement with you...everyone posts all their stupid annoying dramatic bulls**t on Facebook already, so what's the point in going to see them for a night and just listen to the same thing you read every single day? Better yet, you're gonna set yourself up for even more drama when that one annoying whiny douchebag you blocked walks up to you and badgers the f**k outta you about why you're not FB friends anymore. Anyway, rant over. I totally think you should still go...for no other reason than to laugh at all the people who have failed.

 I'm dead serious too...this isn't one of those posts where I rip people apart and then give them actual advice. Your ass should go to your high school reunion so you can laugh at all the people who walked around like their s**t didn't stink and thought they owned the school because they were in the "popular" group or were athletes or whatever...and are absolute NOTHINGS right now. Because there's no bigger f**k you than flaunting your success in the faces of everyone who had chips on their shoulders and thought the world owed them something and are now that bloated bison that scans your food at the grocery store.

But just remember, flaunt it silently. No one likes a bragger. Especially with a few drinks in you...you don't wanna turn into that broad who walks up to all the people who picked on her in school or whatever and basically be a huge bitchtard and whine about how they were so mean to you back in the day. Because then you just look like the girl that can't get over anything...and who's inevitably going to die alone and get eaten by her 57 cats...while posting about your ex-boyfriend Johnny's herpes from 35 years ago. You pathetic mess.

Dinner Date

Blade (seriously dude? That's your name? Glad your parents put your life straight on the path to porn star or druggy) has a question about making dinner for a girl he just met.

Hey dude can you help me with something? I got a date with this girl I'm feelin and it's like our second date. I told her to come over for dinner but I have no idea what to make. Any idea?

Answer: Well here's the deal bro, it all depends on what she looks like. If she's a real thin girl, then you can probably just put out 2 lettuce leaves for her and she'll be fine. But if she's tippin the scales at a deuce, deuce-and-a-half, it's a whole different world for you. I mean, you can make homemade burgers dripping with fat, the greasiest fries you can find, dessert it up with some fried Twinkies and cookie dough ice cream, wash it down with some soda and you're golden!! (And also dying in 6 months because my arteries hardened just writing this.)

In all seriousness bro, here's a simple dinner even an idiotard can make and will make girls...well, like my girl Melissa from VH1's Tough Love says, feel like their vagina is tingling and being whispered to. All you gotta do is make a nice salad (and by make, I mean go to the store and by one of those pre-packaged ones), then make some spaghetti and top it with sauce and either chicken sausages or turkey sausages. That way you can show off some culinary skills (although insanely easy ones) and rock a nice savory but decently healthy dinner too.

Of course, dessert has to be chocolate covered strawberries though. I mean seriously...2 things in life make girls panties drop -- tequila, and chocolate covered strawberries. You're welcome.

Sexting Gone Wrong

Alyssa has a question about a little sexting mistake that went down last night. Whatcha got baby??

Hi. So I just finished having an argument with this guy and I've asked my girl friends about it but I want a guy's opinion. I'm hooking up with this guy and he hasn't really been giving me that much attention lately and says it's because he's tired. Like he doesn't even talk sexy to me anymore but he always used to. Anyway, last night we were talking and I randomly got this long sext from him in the middle of a convo that had nothing to do with sexy stuff. He said he was helping his friend try to talk to some girl and that it was supposed to go to him, but went to me by accident. Do you think he's being serious or is it a coverup? Please help!

Well first things first sweetheart -- I'm assuming he was talking about how hot and sexy you are beforehand because he wanted to get you in bed, and when he finally did it stopped? You REALLY need to write to me about this? It's common sense...it was all about the chase. He got what he wanted and now doesn't really give a rat's ass. But that's not why you wrote in, so let's look at this sexting debacle. So the guy doesn't really talk sexy to you anymore, yet you randomly get this sext outta nowhere. Did you ever think to put together in your head that..honey, he's just not that into you? He got what he wanted from you and now it's onto the next one.

Okay, so maybe that's a little harsh. True story though, here's the deal. It's obviously one of 2 things...he's either telling the truth, or he's covering up the fact that he was sexting with some other broad. And really, you probably WON'T know the truth, but here's the only way I can figure out the difference -- the time he took with his coverup story. If he was stalling or went silent then randomly came up with an excuse like 15 minutes later or something, then he's totally bullsh*tting you. But I'd say if he came at you pretty quick with an explanation, he's probably being pretty honest about it.

I mean, let's face it...sometimes dudes have no game and need a little help from their friends. Plus, when a dude is sexting a chick, all the blood is in his daddystick and not his brain, so there's no possible way he could think of a fake excuse that quickly. (Wow...I just used "fake" and "quick" in the same sentence...that's one crappy date.)

The Missing Ring

An anonymous girl (at least I'm assuming it's a girl) has a question about a little oopsie she made.

Soooo, when this guy and I started dating... he gave me his class ring. Well after a while.. i stopped wearing it, and ended up losing it. And.. now we are broken up and he keeps asking for it back. I just don't know how to tell him that I lost it. He's telling me about how it's like a $300 ring... and his family is poor and stuff. So I feel bad. What do I do and how do I tell him I.. "Misplaced" it?

Answer: First off, I can already tell that you're an asshat. Because I GUARANTEE YOU that if the shoe was on the other foot (or should I say ring on the other finger), you'd give this dude SO much sh*t for losing your ring. Of course, if he'd walk around wearing your class ring in the first place, I'd seriously consider whether he likes snuggling up to the...ahem..."bat cave" or the actual "batmobile", but that's another topic for another time.

Look, bottom line, you F'ed up. Pretty big too. Although I think your ex is a little bit of a drama queen/exaggerator. Seriously, think about it. If his family is so poor and all that other BS he's trying to guilt trip you with, how in the blue hell could they afford a $300 ring that's just gonna sit in the box it came in anyway? And that's another thing, do you really think he gives a crap about getting his ring back? NO! No one I know even REMEMBERS they have a high school ring still. Long story short, you dated a real big bitch.

My advice? Either tell him that your house got broken into and the only thing that was stolen was his stupid ring, or tell him you mailed it back to him but the creepy kiddie-toucher-looking mailman probably stole it. Then pawned it off to buy candy bars to lure kids into his mail truck.

Public Service Announcement

This isn't a question I'm answering, but more of a heads up to all of you with my first post back -- every time someone says "cray," an angel gets poked in the ouchie hole/ouchie stick by the Devil's trident. So think before you speak, doucheknuckles.

Surviving Six Flags

So since summer time is throwing heat wave after heat wave at us, I decided to do a non-traditional post and give you my own personal tips (based off of personal experience from Friday) on how to survive your next trip to Six Flags!

ENJOY, YA FLOOZIES!

High School reunion

So check it out peeps -- decided to do something new and have some fun with this. I HATE not having time to get the usual 2 posts a day up for you, so I decided to make it worth your while to have a one-post-a-week shot. Presenting...

LIFE TIPS TO STEAK TIPS, IN AUDIO/VIDEO STYLE!!!



As always, leave your comments ya dirty fahks, either on here or on the YouTube account. AND pass this shizz to your friends, or that might not be a fudgicle you pull out of the freezer next time (see, it's funny because I said I'd leave a log of my poop in your freezer.) ENJOY!!